One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please send photo of boat.
Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!"
How To Fail Your Open Water Test.
a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY
better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000
pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel
brochures.
When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at
the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult
to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged
three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with
your buddy.
A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here, Iron this!"
How to avoid shark attacks:
1.Never Leave Utah
2.Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3.Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4.Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for a lawyer
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
1.Acid
2.Marijuana
3.Black Russians
4.Prosaic
5.Sleeping Pills
You can spot divers by:
1.Funny Tan Lines
2.Big Watch
3.Says "Huh" alot
4.Bad shocks and springs in car
5.Scars from trigger fish bites
6.Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
1.Funny Tan Lines
2.Big Expensive Watch
3.Old Jeep with bad shocks
4.Log Book has a volume number on the cover.
5.Deaf in at least one ear.
6.Has multiple scars.
7.Has cylinders older than you are.
8.Talks about making their first wet suit.
9.Dive gear is faded.
10.Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis.
You can spot newbie divers by:
1.Sunburned
2.Timex Watch
3.Nice car
4.Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
5.No diving related scars
6.Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
7.Equipment looks nice
8.Perfect hearing
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