Dive Shop Humor

Good Things to say to Students:




Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!

So what's your point?

Oh, we did cover this in class didn't we?

What part of this did you understand?

No, descending butt first is not acceptable

You couldn't make it to class because your what died?

I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you.

Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job

I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy

Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!

What do you mean you always bleed like that?

You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!

No, this isn't all I do for a living

Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?

No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..

BTW, what did you say you did for a living?


Things Dive Masters Say:

I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!

To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:

Can I help you with that mam?

To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard:

Looks heavy mate!

You should've been here last week, the visibility was great

You didn't see the whale shark?

This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks


Things Store Owners Say:


REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!

Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there

As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!

Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales

Sorry about the problem with that cheque, maybe it will clear next week

Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself.

BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!

Let's see, that will be $324...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $349!

If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!

It's the instructor's fault

Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?

Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?

You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor

I would love to see pictures of your latest trip, right after you've bought something.