Did you know?

Megalodon was an ancient shark that may have been 40 feet (12 m) long or even more. (There are a few scientists who estimate that it could have been up to 50 or 100 feet (15.5 or 31 m) long!) This is at least two or three as long as the Great White Shark, but this is only an estimate made from many fossilized teeth and a few fossilized vertebrae that have been found. These giant teeth are the size of a person's hand! No other parts of this ancient shark have been found, so we can only guess what it looked like. Since Megalodon's teeth are very similar to the teeth of the Great White Shark (but bigger and thicker), it is thought that Megalodon may have looked like a huge, streamlined version of the Great White Shark. If you are interested in diving with Great Whites check out the guys at SharkDiver.com

Here are some cool facts you might not know about sharks.

There are more than 350 different kinds of sharks.



You are 1,000 times more likely to drown in the sea than you are to be bitten by a shark.



Sharks are more related to fishes like the stingray than they do with the barracuda.



Most sharks as we know them today developed about 64 million years ago during the age of the dinosaurs.



A shark can hear a fish in the water from more than a mile away.



Sharks can smell one drop of blood in a million drops of water.



Scientists can determine the age of a shark by counting the rings that form on its vertebra, much as you can count the rings on a tree to tell its age.



Sharks’ wounds heal quickly and they rarely get tumors.



The Dermal denticles that covers Shark skin is so tough and hard that before the invention of sandpaper, shark skin was used to polish wood.



Shark teeth have been used as weapons and tools for many centuries.



On some islands, villagers believed that sharks were spirits of their ancestors.



Eating Shark flesh is forbidden in both the Solomon and Fiji islands.



About 100 people in the world are bitten by sharks each year. Of these, five to ten die.



The chance of being killed by a shark is one in 300 million. The chance of being killed by airplane parts falling from the sky is one in 10 million.

Dive Shop Humor

Good Things to say to Students:




Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!

So what's your point?

Oh, we did cover this in class didn't we?

What part of this did you understand?

No, descending butt first is not acceptable

You couldn't make it to class because your what died?

I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you.

Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job

I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy

Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!

What do you mean you always bleed like that?

You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!

No, this isn't all I do for a living

Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?

No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..

BTW, what did you say you did for a living?


Things Dive Masters Say:

I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!

To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:

Can I help you with that mam?

To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard:

Looks heavy mate!

You should've been here last week, the visibility was great

You didn't see the whale shark?

This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks


Things Store Owners Say:


REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!

Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there

As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!

Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips

I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales

Sorry about the problem with that cheque, maybe it will clear next week

Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself.

BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!

Let's see, that will be $324...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $349!

If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!

It's the instructor's fault

Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?

Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?

You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor

I would love to see pictures of your latest trip, right after you've bought something.

Today's SCUBA Jokes

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.




The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.



This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"



The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"







Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please send photo of boat.







Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."

The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"







A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"

And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"







A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I’ve been marooned!"







How To Fail Your Open Water Test.

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.

b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.

c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".

d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY

better".

e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.

f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.

g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000

pounds of air in it.

h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel

brochures.







When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at

the end of the dive.

b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult

to walk on the bottom.

c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.

d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.

e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.

f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged

three.

g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with

your buddy.







A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here, Iron this!"







How to avoid shark attacks:



1.Never Leave Utah

2.Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded

3.Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy

4.Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for a lawyer

and leave you alone out of professional courtesy.





One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:

1.Acid

2.Marijuana

3.Black Russians

4.Prosaic

5.Sleeping Pills

You can spot divers by:

1.Funny Tan Lines

2.Big Watch

3.Says "Huh" alot

4.Bad shocks and springs in car

5.Scars from trigger fish bites

6.Expertise on anti-histamines



You can spot old time divers by:

1.Funny Tan Lines

2.Big Expensive Watch

3.Old Jeep with bad shocks

4.Log Book has a volume number on the cover.

5.Deaf in at least one ear.

6.Has multiple scars.

7.Has cylinders older than you are.

8.Talks about making their first wet suit.

9.Dive gear is faded.

10.Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis.



You can spot newbie divers by:

1.Sunburned

2.Timex Watch

3.Nice car

4.Fills in all the blanks in their logbook

5.No diving related scars

6.Says "Wow, did you see that" alot

7.Equipment looks nice

8.Perfect hearing

Dealing With Sea Sickness

Here is some nice reading for you before your next trip on the MV Kate or other vessels.


Motion sickness, mal-de-mer, or seasickness will at one time or another affect nine out of ten people who venture onto the water. It is a temporary condition which appears to leave the body no worse off for the experience. If you’ve been very seasick before, though, you might have felt at the time that you’d give anything to not feel it.



In broad terms, seasickness results when the information from your eyes and your ears disagrees. Your inner ears detect movement and allow you to control your balance with small and unconscious movements, but you use your eyes to make conscious decisions about your stance and balance. On board a boat, the deck under your feet may be moving erratically but the entire cabin is a static and unmoving frame of reference.



The seasickness victim feels sweaty, nauseated, sick, and as though he (or the room) is spinning. Headache and general weakness are common. The urge to vomit is strong, usually compelling once you’ve noticed it. But vomiting rarely brings permanent relief. Seasickness can be triggered (or made worse) by other factors such as ear infections, sun exposure, alcoholic drinks, spicy foods, noxious fumes or odors, and being fatigued or dehydrated.



Susceptibility to seasickness varies widely. It become more prevalent, and more severe, as the sea state worsens (waves, surge, and wind all act on the boat’s hull or superstructure). Some boats are more stable than others. A catamaran is especially subject to being tossed about in complex and random ways. The larger the ship, the less the waves and wind will affect her, but most scuba diving is done from quite small vessels. Many people find that they become acclimated to boat motion over several days, and their occurrences of seasickness become rarer or less severe.



Avoiding Sea Sickness

First, keep yourself hydrated and rested. That can be a challenge on a tropical vacation, I know, but if you’re on a diving trip you are probably already minimizing your sun exposure, and late-night partying. Sipping on juice, water, or a sports drink, and snacking lightly on saltines or a similar bland food, can keep your stomach soothed. If you do vomit, be sure to re-hydrate.



Stay away from fumes, especially the diesel fumes at the stern of the boat (or from other boats at the pier). Place yourself as near the center of the boat, at the waterline, as possible. This is often the forward dressing area on a small open boat, or the saloon on a liveaboard charter. The boat’s motions (roll, pitch, and yaw) pivot her around her center of resistance (resistance to wind above, buoyancy below). The center of the boat near the waterline is generally not moving much at all.



Look out on the horizon and find an object to focus on–the shore, an island, a cloud, even another boat. Relax. Breathe. Don’t try to read. Reduce your stress and, as much as you can, your need to move around. Finally, you can get in the water. It sounds strange, but many divers who feel queasy on the deck are perfectly okay once they’ve dropped beneath the surface and are out of the wave and surge motion. This is of course not a good option if you’re already throwing up, but if you’re just starting to get queasy, and you and your buddy have gone through your usual pre-dive checks, it can be a good approach. While we’re on the subject, remember that if you need to throw up underwater, keep your regulator in your mouth. The particles will travel out the exhaust ports without impeding regulator breathing.



Medications for Sea Sickness

The following medications, if taken the day before you’re exposed to a pitching boat, can prevent sea sickness. If you wait until you’ve developed symptoms, they are less effective, but can still give you some relief. Remember that side effects can get worse once you’re underwater. Read the instructions and warnings, and ask your doctor if you have questions. Because of possible side effects, you may want to try a dose before your leave for your trip to check on your reaction to it.



Over-the-counter approaches include the antihistamines: Bonine (meclizine), Dramamine (dimenhydrinate), Marezine (cyclizine), and Benadryl (diphenhydramine). They

target the vomiting mechanism in the nervous system. They can also cause side effects, notably drowsiness.



Perhaps the most popular seasickness medicine is Transderm Scop (a skin patch, by prescription only). It releases scopolamine through the skin for one to several days, targeting your nervous system. While it’s effective, it can also have some serious side effects. Dry mouth and blurred vision are common. In rarer case the patch causes confusion, anxiety, and hallucinations. Not everyone can tolerate it. Scopolamine is also available as prescription tablets, under the name Scopace. This approach allows you to adjust the dosage.



Non-Medical Approaches

Ginger is a time-honored home remedy for stomach ills, and can reduce your chances of getting seasick or help reduce the symptoms. Candied (or crystallized) ginger root is convenient to carry, keeps well, and can be found in a range from mild to extremely tangy. It also has no common side effects. Ginger snap cookies and ginger ale may also work for you to help calm your stomach.



Some travelers swear by wristbands which stimulate a pressure point on the wrist. The “Sea-Band” (from a company of the same name) looks like a tennis wrist sweat band but includes a small button which presses on the pressure point. The “Relief Band” (from Woodside Biomedical) adds battery-powered stimulation. Take it off before entering the water, of course.



Finally, “Motion Eaze” (from Alta Labs) is a blend of herbal oils. It is applied behind the earlobe and claims to prevent or treat seasickness with no side effects. The above are of course just a few of the remedies available commercially. There are numerous herbal and homeopathic products. Remember that before you use a new product you should try it out to see whether you have any reactions to it.

Liveaboard Diving Joke

Liveaboard diving will get you to remote reefs where few day-boats go. But, then, you’re further away from shore if the boat sinks!



That happened! When his liveaboard sank, a lone diver struggled to shore on an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her:



“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”



“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”



“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”



“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”



“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”



“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned.



“Let’s row over to my place, ” she says.



After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.



As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”



“No thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”



“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”



No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”



When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. I’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know… ” She stares into his eyes.



He can’t believe what he’s hearing. His heart begins to pound. He’s truly in luck:



“You mean…”, he gasps, “…I can actually check my e-mail from here??”

Scuba Pickup Lines

1. Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I swim back and forth a few more times?



2. I’m a Bar Jack and I want to make a Damsel Grunt with my Blue Tang — can you Rock, Beauty?



3. I’m looking for a French Angel with large gills, and I think I’ve found her — are you French?



4. Do you have change for the phone? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.



5. I can’t find my pet crab – can you help me find him? I think he went down to the deserted end of the beach.



6. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaica me crazy.



7. I like to maintain my own equipment — you look like someone I’d like to “tinker” around with.



8. I’m new at the resort — could you give me directions to your room?



9. I think there’s something wrong with my regulator. Could you hold the first stage while I check out the second stage?



10. Please excuse my panting – I am out of air, because you take my breath away.



11. Excuse me, I’m lost. May I go home with you?



12. Is the sun in your eyes, or did you just smile at me?