You may already be doing some of these unconsciously. Here’s how to put it all together and become a complete jerk. Here is some great info from the Coral Reef Travel website.
Use Poorly Maintained Equipment
Upend your gear bag so a hodgepodge of worn-out, corroded and mismatched stuff cascades onto the deck in no apparent order. You can heighten the effect with carefree comments like, “Boy! Haven’t seen this in a long time!” and “Ugh! This sure stinks!” and “Anybody remember which side the reg goes on?” Meet any expression of concern with, “Don’t worry, it worked OK last time.”
For Style Points: Drop your console on the steel deck.
Message to Your Buddy: You will discover equipment problems the hard way.
Wisecrack During Site Briefing and Dive Planning
How deep are we going? “To the bottom, ha ha!” What’s our objective? “To get wet, ha ha!” How much air do we keep in reserve? “I paid for all of it, I’m using all of it, ha ha!” Meet any expression of concern with, “Don’t worry, I haven’t drowned yet, ha ha!”
For Style Points: When checking your tank valve just prior to entering the water, become confused and ask, “Which way is off?”
Message to Your Buddy: You are in fact confused and nervous, and trying to cover your anxiety with humor.
Act Like You’re Having Trouble Equalizing
The idea is that erratic behavior–delaying your descent, moving up and down in the water column, blowing hard with your nose pinched–without explanation to your buddy will make it seem as if you’re in trouble, inducing your buddy to take unnecessary risks to help you.
For Style Points: Blow so hard you cause a nosebleed. When a little blood has mixed with the water in your mask, turn to your buddy to show a mask full of … blood! Embolism! Brain explosion! Watch your buddy’s eyes go wide.
Message to Your Buddy: You take basic skills for granted, as well as being physically prepared to dive.
Play Hide and Seek
Swim off from the descent line at full speed, so your buddy has to huff and puff to keep up. Or, if you don’t have the stamina for this, put on a quick burst of speed when your buddy is looking the other way, then duck behind a stand of kelp or a coral head. Try to force your buddy to spend the entire dive trying to keep track of you.
For Style Points: Swim off downward, violating your agreed depth limit at the same time. Your buddy, if conscientious, will have to follow. Double points if you save this for the third dive of the day.
Message to Your Buddy: You have no interest in your buddy’s comfort and no regard for the buddy system.
Ditch Your Buddy
This is, of course, a classic move. It forces your buddy to abandon any hope of enjoying the dive and go into full rescue mode. Your buddy instead must decide how long to search for you and in which direction, then surface in haste and report to the dive boat.
For Style Points: After returning to the boat, grin, slap your buddy on the back and say, “Great dive, huh? Did you see that ray?”
Message to Your Buddy: You have no interest in rescuing your buddy, either.
Attack All Marine Life
Break off live coral. Pry mollusks and sea stars from rocks. Hack your way through vegetation. Swim with your knife in your hand, using it to chop, probe, dig, turn over rocks and tap your buddy’s shoulder.
For Style Points: Kill something bloody and put its oozing corpse in your goody bag.
Message to Your Buddy: You know nothing about the damage you can do to marine life, nor the damage marine life can do to you.
Create a Low-on-air Emergency
Respond to all air supply inquiries with an OK sign until your pressure gauge reads below 200 psi. You’ll have the biggest impact on your buddy if you save this announcement for when you are below 80 feet or so.
For Style Points: Wild eyes and flailing arms simulate panic well.
Message to Your Buddy: You don’t understand the reasons for maintaining a reserve supply of air–regulator performance and the unforeseen.
Ascend Too Quickly
By not venting your BC as it expands, you allow your ascent rate to accelerate to unsafe levels. Your buddy may feel compelled to keep pace while trying to slow you down, putting you both at risk of arterial gas embolism. At 15 feet, you will have reached such a speed that you will be unable to make a safety stop.
For Style Points: Assuming you reach the boat intact, tell your buddy, “Great dive! Say, are you looking for a dive buddy?”
Message to Your Buddy: You think Boyle’s Law is a TV series.
But Seriously, Folks
We’re joking to make a serious point. Probably most of us have been guilty of one or more of these screwups at one time or another. We knew we were OK, but what did our buddy think? What extra risks did we impose on our buddy? What enjoyment of the dive did our buddy forfeit?
Communication is difficult enough on the surface. Under water, we communicate largely through our actions, and our inaction. Our buddy has to respond to the messages they seem to convey, and our unintended signals can endanger others more than ourselves. We at Blue Iguana Charters want everyone to have a fun and safe dive.
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